December 29, 2008

Finding the new

snow

During the past week of holiday visiting, a friend asked if I had stopped blogging because I had moved back home and thus no longer needed to give updates. Presumably because I was sharing my life first hand, in person.

That seems like a totally reasonable assumption but that is not the reason for the blog silence. I’ve been a hermit since our move, not just on my blog but also in “real” life. This past week has reminded me of all the people I love who do not live in Wisconsin and who do check in on me through my blog.

So what has been up with me? This move has been hard. I can’t seem to get settled, like sitting on an uncomfortable bench. It seems as if life has lost a sense of adventure, like I’ve been struggling to sit on this bench forever and I just don’t know if it is a good fit.

I’ve spent a lot of time in the past month or two, thinking about why this cloud of malaise continues to hover, but not blogging about it, when blogging may be just what I need…

I miss my house, my cute, wonderful home. A house I still own but may never see again. A home I pay for every month but cannot visit. I miss the sense of new that comes from living in a new city, in a new culture. I even miss the struggles that came with life in Atlanta. I miss the high intensity of my old job, the constant new and now. Right now, between a mortgage and rent, we cannot afford to travel and I miss the planning and remembering of new experiences.

This weekend we spent an evening with a good friend and her new love. They were bursting over with happiness, infatuation and that sense of excitement that falling in love can bring. It made me a little envious to feel that way again, the way new found love feels.

All this to say that I do not regret our move, nor that I am unhappy with my marriage or my job. In fact, I have been enjoying our apartment and neighborhood, SB brightens my world everyday and I have the best job of my life. It is joyous to be close to our family and friends again, to have that ease of living nearby. I’ve started watching the local news, just to revel in the fact that I once again live in a community that values education, social welfare and the environment.

How can I complain and feel a sense of loss when I’ve gained so much? This is why I haven’t been writing. I am not unhappy to be back in Madison and yet I am unhappy to have left my southern home. SB and I often wish that we could drive far enough out on University Ave that it would just turn into Ponce de Leon and we could stop in at the Brick Store or Duck’s.

An exciting travel adventure would do much to cure me but we are trapped in the economic downturn, waiting for someone to buy into our Atlanta life. Instead of new there’s this constant feeling of waiting to begin again.

3 Comments

  1. Isn’t is amazing how a place you might never have considered home, becomes just that? I think the reason for this is because it was all yours – you and SB. So many people move and are miserable, but you are both the type that you live each adventure and make it your own, and that’s to be admired. Take care – rosemarie

    Comment by rosemarie — December 29, 2008 @ 3:13 pm

  2. If it’s any consolation, you are sorely missed. There’s a hole here in the ATL where you, the SB and Lola were. This will be more obvious when it’s good and hot in the summer time and we are drinking beer with 2 fewer friends and one less dog.

    Comment by Steph — January 1, 2009 @ 4:27 pm

  3. Thank you Steph. We miss y’all too. It sounds like we may be back in the ATL in August for a wedding, so as not to miss that good southern heat, which sounds doubly fantastic when it is 10 degrees outside.

    Rosemarie, you are totally right, we are good at making wherever we are our own. It is something that I don’t give myself enough credit for. Thank you.

    Comment by Marijka — January 2, 2009 @ 9:19 am

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